I don't know how to describe my feelings now. All I know, I really feel empty inside. I notice that, the only thing that making me unhappy all these years, is my husband's attitude towards me. Honestly, I don't mind being far away from my home country, from my beloved parents and family, from friends I used to be so closed to....but I mind about my marriage situation.
I don't know if my love to my husband is still as strong as the day I married him. I feel the love is deteriorating....I know it's wrong to feel this way. Being a Muslim, as a wife I should love my husband full-heartedly. But I'm getting frustrated with him. I feel not loved and I wonder whether I've ever been loved by him. I try now being reasonable. I keep telling myself for the sake of stability in our family, I would just swallow this feeling and and keep going with this marriage and provide the best I could give to the family. Never mind I'm not loved, never mind I am treated with sarcastic words, never mind I'm not being appreciated, never mind of everything....as long as my kids have stability in their life. Even if I want divorce, what would I get? Peaceful life? I don't know....I don't want to be selfish with myself. Even though I know I could survive being on my own, I don't want my kids to feel different living in a broken family.
The thing is, I'm trying to be normal as possible. With this emptiness, I don't know how to treat my husband with affection. I still do my responsibility as usual, I cook, I clean, I fulfil my husband's needs. But I couldn't have a nice chat with him any more. I couldn't smile to him the way I used to. He notices this and he said I am just being cranky. And he couldn't understand why would I behave this way.....as I expected....he wouldn't know if he's done anything hurtful to me.
I don't bother explaining any more. I did this before....but there's no changes. Because I feel he's the kind of guys who would never compromise. He expects people to accept him the way he is. All I'm thinking now, we would be together as long as it gets. If one day he has intention to get married to another woman, I guess I would just accept that. If he wants to let me go, I'll accept that too...
I feel that I'm so cold hearted now...I don't care any more. I will just try as hard as possible to be a good wife, a good mother.....
