.....

It´s been more than a week since my last post.

Things are now peaceful. The cold war had ended. The day of his birthday, I said to him I couldn´t do this anymore so I said I was sorry for my attitude (despite I believe that he also should say sorry for things he said) and I want us to work out together a happy marriage.

And we good.

That´s the thing...I can make things ok when I choose to retreat. It would never been better if I could to keep sulking and angry. I choose to compromise because I value our marriage eventhough sometimes deep down inside I feel so tired trying to amend things between us.

We are not like those loving married couples...it´s the fact I have to accept. I´ve been trying to deny that we´re not a loving couple before but it´s time I face the fact. He doesn´t love me. I keep telling myself, I could face this...I could live in a loveless marriage for the sake of the twins.

I am trying to be someone grateful. Grateful eventhough my husband doesn´t buy me anything for my birthday, I have some friends sharing their money buying me a beautiful ring. But I couldn´t say my husband doesn´t buy me anything. He paid for some things I want sometimes, but the hardest part and sometimes I wish I hadn´t want it, that he likes to condemn me about how i take care of the things he has paid for.

For example, several months ago, I had a sister-in-law doing her phd in the States. So she offered to buy for me designer handbag - Coach & Guess since it was much cheaper to buy from there. I was hesitated about it, I was not sure whether my husband was willing to pay for it. Then my sister-in-law coaxed him into buying me those handbags. He agreed and total price for 2 handbags was 210USD. I know it´s expensive and I know how he´s very calculative about spending money on luxuries. I wonder whether he´s agreed to it because he wants to ´jaga air muka´. So now the bags are with me, even if I hang the bag on the stroller, he´d make noise which is irrating to me and hurt my feelings.

I´m trying to think positive. Maybe he considered the bags are the birthday present for me although he doesn´t say anything.

My watch - the one and only I have, a present for our wedding 6 years ago is already kaput. And I don´t have handphone. So if I go out, I will have to depend on people´s watch/clock. He knew it, and yet he doesn´t say anything.

Boy....i´m tired. I am emotionally drained.

Dear husband, what do think of our marriage?

Choked

I don't know what is the right title for this post.

But who cares anyway?

I, as in my current situation, am extremely miserable. I've thought of making a move. Of going to him, hug him and say I'm sorry. But I'm not sure what I would apologize for. For ignoring him? For saying mean things (but I said those words as a defence).

Yes, I know when I have all these in mind, I'm not ready to make amends. I'm not ikhlas. I still don't understand why he treats me this way. Why he's angry when I'm angry? What? I'm not supposed to be angry over what he said and did? I'm suppose to understand that he is the way he is so the accept things the way there are?

Last night he didn't eat his dinner. The lunch also was hardly touchable and he was there on the table nibbling something-God-knows-what. And because we had guests in the house so he pretended he was eating something. I knew it.

This happens all the time....he always punishes me this way. Not eating the food I cook. Maybe if I have a cold heart, I would not be bothered to cook and have the food served completely on the table. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. When he's not eating, he manages to make me feel guilty inside.

*sigh*

Today as on his birthday, I bought him a present and a card. It's this MEXX perfume I bought at discount price. It is his own money actually, I took some portion from the groceries money which runs out so quickly. I hope he would not be angry with this or label this as a waste-money item. I also baked him a cake, get the girls decorated it and get them to write the card. I want the girls to know the importance of appreciating the people we love. And Father's Day is coming as well.....

But I don't know how he would react....

I'll be coming back and make a note of his reaction....

Happy Birthday Darling...

It´s been a week since our last row. A week of silence...a week we hardly talking to each other and even looking at each other.

6 days ago, 2 days after the row, was my birthday. I spent my birthday feeling miserable and broken hearted. I spent my birthday walking in the jungle with my kids, trying to escape the hurt I was feeling, the husband I can´t afford to look at because I was very angry - only found ourselves getting lost in there!

It was definitely the worst birthday ever !

He did wish me through FB message, he did say sorry but didn´t elaborate about it and I felt he didn´t take it seriously, so I just ignored him. At that moment, ´sorry´did not mean anything to me. After that, he didn´t take any effort anymore. Until today, he does what I do - talking when necessary, ignoring each other completely. We like two strangers living under one roof!

And today it´s his birthday. His birthday, which is only 6 days later than mine...and I feel bad. I feel bad that we are in this situation when it´s time of celebrating. Our spouse suppose to be someone special to us especially on her/his birthday. I don´t know how he feels if I don´t do anything on his birthday. I always did something, at least I celebrated his birthday with a card and some present.

I don´t want him to feel lonely on his birthday. I know the feeling, I feel not loved. But it´s not necessary for me to do the same. I don´t have a heart to do that. I already sent him a birthday wish message thru FB message and I´m thinking tomorrow I´ll buy something as a present and cook something special.

Yes, I´m still hurt inside. But I don´t want to live in a cold-loveless marriage. Never mind I said I don´t care before, never mind I said I can live without love. It´s bullshit!. I do care...I can accept the fact that I´m not loved but I couldn´t be someone who wouldn´t love. I know I´m not that cold person.

When you love, you love unconditionally, you don´t expect any returns, you don´t expect anything...

Is it?

I´m asking myself...and for the moment I really I hope I could love without conditions

And for this, HAPPY BIRTHDAY darling husband.....I wish all the best for you....I wish I can be a better me...

Guilty of buying books!

I had another row AGAIN with the man of the house.

Don't know whether you people would think it as foolish or what for me to feel this way. But I'm feeling so sad, i've been crying silently since yesterday evening up to now. What he said is seriously hurting (owh, what he said DOESN'T?)

It was started when I was cleaning the kids' room yesterday. And he was there sitting, viewing me doing it. We were talking nicely at first. We have this project to put the wall paper in the room because the previous wall paper had damaged due to fungus during last winter.

Then he mentioned about the books I bought for the kids. His sentences "Beli buku mcm2, gunanya tak, sepah sana sini, bazir duit aje" (You buy a lot of books, but you don't use it. They are scattered everywhere. What a waste of money).

And I replied "Kadang2 mmg la bersepah sbb budak2 guna tp sy kemas all the time. Siapa kata x guna buku2 ni. Sy ajar budak2 membaca" (Sometimes of course they scatter around because the kids use it.Who says we don't use these books. I use them, I teach them to read)

And he mentioned that there was this one book I bought last year from online service, that was meant to be used for teaching kids to read and he said he saw me using it once or twice and it went forgotten. That also he said a waste of money. Ok, I have to admit that I used that book very seldom. I bought it because the book was recommended by homeschooling websites I checked. I am ambitious to teach my kids, therefore any materials I thought would help, I would try it out. So I bought the book and used it and somehow felt that it's boring. And how would I know the material would be practical or not if I don't try it?

For god's sake, the book was 18 Euro. It is a lot when you spend in attempt to provide education for your kids?

I said to him, as far as I could remember he hardly buys anything for the kids. Toys, books, clothes, it was me who bought it most of the time. I used to work, I had my own money so he didn't say much about it. And now because I have to use his money to buy all these, he makes noise of it! And he said it's good he doesn't buy anything because at least he doesn't waste money...

I went speechless...i really don't expect my efforts for my kids would be questioned this way? I don't mind any more what I do is not being appreciated. It's something I took note since we got married. But when you question and you condemn something like this, you really make damage to my heart.

And do you know...

When damage is done, you might attempt to fix it up, it may be repairable, but it might not be the same any more....

I don't have hope, I don't have dreams any more in this marriage.

QUE SERA SERA...what would be, would be....