Why it bothers so much?

Ok, the cold war is over...since 4 days ago. So everything is back to normal. He made it up and I told him how I felt, Thanks to this blog, I remember everything that had bothered me since I´ve written it point-to-point. That is why it is important for me to write because I will REMEMBER!

There is something else is bothering my mind now. But it is not about my marriage.

It is about friendship. But I don´t know whether I should call it friendship, because the other party doesn´t seem to regard me or my family as friends. It could be my wrong evaluation but I strongly feel that is how it is.

Well, let me tell some background about my life now before I go further with my story today. My family and I temporarily moved to Germany last year from Malaysia. My husband is here to further his study. So at the Consulate House during our religion celebration, we met this one family, who at that time also just newly arrived in Germany. The wife complained to me that it was very difficult for them to live in Germany since they can´t speak Deutsch (we couldn´t either!) and at the place where they live, there was no other Malaysians that they can seek help. Actually I found that their situation was not that bad because they got help from the Germans in the area but this couple wanted so much for other Malaysians companion.

We, on the other matter live in the area where we have several Malaysians who offer great help for us to start up. So feeling sorry for this family, I invited them to visit us, since they said they wanted to have Malays companion.

To be honest, when they came for a visit for the first time, I found it hard to click with this family. The wife mad a lot of unpleasant remarks about things in my house, my physical appearance and boy, she complained a lot about everything! The husband also didn´t seem to click with my husband. And the kids were very noisy and misbehaved. But I just closed my eyes to ignore all those unpleasant remarks because I wanted to make friend.

Then, they met my friend who lives near my house. This friend of mine, K, had a sharp tongue so she just openedly critized the couple´s three kids. And then they had clashed in religion view. Well, K has her own scary views when it comes to religion (we are all Muslims) which I also find very funny. And I know that this couple who always indicate to us that they are very religious, very Islamic, don´t like K. They don´t have to tell me, but I can tell by their face expression and body language.

The family came several times to my house because they need a place to stay every time they had things to do in the city. But everytime they came, they would have to see K because she is a frequent guest in my house. And that everytime, K surely gave negative comments on their kids´behaviour.

In between, the wife and I had communicated through YM. But everytime I chatted with her, I always ended up feeling hurt or offended. But I never learnt my lesson, I kept chatting with her on a regular basis.

Until one time, we went to a vacation without asking them to come along. My husband didnt want to ask them because he said he couldnt stand being around them. Besides, our vacation was actually planned by other people, in which we were invited to join, so it was not appropriate for us to simply ask other people to join as well.

But I told the wife that we were going for that vacation and I apologized for not being able to include them. I did feel guilty because she always said she didnt have friend and now the only friend she knew is going for vacation without inviting her.

I had noticed that was the beginning of the cold relationship between us. She hardly replied my message and there I was, wondering whether I had hurt her feelings. It bothered me so much thinking why the sudden quiet. They also stopped coming to my house. I thought it was because they didnt want to see K.

In the few months after that, we met at a gathering at the Consulate again. And it was so obvious that she and her husband were acting awkwardly towards us. I thought it was just me feeling that way but my husband said he felt the same too.

A week after that, I invited her to come to my daughters´birthday party through YM (at this time we had not been communicating thru YM for about 3 months), She said she would think about it but then the next morning she YMed me and said they couldnt come because they were having a religious gathering at her house. I was surprised...I thought she said they didnt have friend and now suddenly they were going to have a gathering at her house?

Maybe she felt guilty or it was just a matter of formality, she invited me to come and she further said it wasnt like she didnt want to invite us much earlier but she said herhusband was not comfortable with my husbad.

WHAAAAAAAAAAT?

I was very shocked. I couldnt imagine that when all this whileI was thinking about their life conditions (because she said she had a lot of problems) and whether we had offended them that they become so quiet with us, now she told me that her husband is not comfortable with my husband? What a pure honesty!

I was seriously offended with her remarks and quickly said I need to be off from YM because I had chores to do. My thought at that time, they probably think that we are not religious enough, therefore we are not eligible to be their friend. Now that they have more friends which they can click with, there is no need to make effort being friend to us anymore.

Since that day, I put her name in YM as ´appear permanently offline´, tried not to read her blog nor take note her updates in FB. I was determined to just ignore whatever it is related to these people. As if she would ever care! Because all this while, if it wasnt me who start sending her message, she wouldnt do so and she never comment in my FB either.

But up to today, this issue still bothers so much. I´m still thinking why they did this to us? It´s not like I want to be so close to them, I dont want to but I had tried to be nice to them as Muslims to Muslims and if they claimed they are more Islamic than us, why is this attitude?

I´m now telling my mind...just let it go. Some people just dont deserve to be friends!

In a Cold War

The main reason for creating this new blog is because currently I have a cold fight with my husband and right now I'm close to tears. The thing is, I can't really share how I feel about the situation with anybody. I can't be telling my friends for I'm afraid that it sounds like I'm badmouthing my husband. My friends, all seem to be having happy marriage. None of them is complaining about their husband, in fact they compliment their spouse lovingly. I wish I could say the same thing about my husband, but I couldn't because from day to day, it seems he is more irritating than ever. I can't be telling my mother for I don't want her to be worried and again I don't want to tar my husband's image to my parents' eyes.

But I still need to pour out how I feel.

I actually can't really tell how this is all started. In our 5 years of marriage, we always have fight. Basically, I would say that my husband is a good man. He is not a womanizing type, he hardly spends his time outside home and he's responsible in terms of providing physical needs for his family, what else.....let me think what else good things I can write about him.

But apart from that, I think he's very insensitive towards me. And how is that?

Point 1:

He often hurts my feelings with his harsh words. For example, he always make fun of my physical look....well, I have put on weight after being pregnant and delivery. And I dont look as nice as I did during our dating days...of course I dont anymore! I have some other important things to do rather than concentrating on being beautiful. What hurts is, he once mentioned jokingly that if he knew that I would be fat, he would not marry me... it was a joke to him, yes...but it hurts so much!

Another thing, I know I'm not a good cook but I'm trying very hard to cook delicious cuisines for him. But if it not good to his taste, he wouldnt eat it...he doesnt even want to pretend that he likes it. Yes, I know he's just being practical, he doesnt want to be a hypocrite but for good sake! Can't you just at least eat it some and then point it out nicely that it's not delicious? It's not I can't accept critics but for the whole 5 years I've been bombarded with all these harsh critics, I wish he would learn a way to criticize nicely.

Point 2

He hardly help me with the housechores or handling kids. Even when I had my career (I'm now a homemaker), there was no shared responsibilities when it came to housechores. It's always ME, ME, ME....Not that I don't ask for his help but most of the time he just ignores my requests, I end up doing it myself. At the beginning of our marriage, we used to fight a lot about domestic works, I used to cry a lot because I was tired after work and when I came home, there were so many things to do...cooking, cleaning, handling the twins and my husband just wouldn't help! And if I ever say anything, he just walked away and protested by not talking to me, not eating what I cooked or wearing the shirt that I have ironed on the next working day. I was very soft-hearted, I couldn't stand his cold-silent treatment that I apologized and tried very hard not to be angry if he didn't help.

Of late, I just ignore his cold-silent treatment to me, and I also start my own protest with the same cold-silent treatment.

Point 3

No presents or lovely surprises from him on special days (my birthday/mother's day/wedding anniversary) for the past 5 years. And I don't know why this year I am so much affected by his ignorance. It started with Mother's Day in May. I saw many male friends' status on Facebook wishing their wives and mothers 'Happy Mother's Day' and some friends even posted photos with one with title ' A Mother's Day Dinner for My Wife'. And I said to myself 'Oh, that is so lovely'. And here my husband didn't even wish me! I couldn't help it, so this year I asked 'how come you never wish me anything on Mother's Day?' And he said 'Why would I? My family never celebrate Mother's Day. It's a crap!'. And I just had to swallow my pride for even had the nerve to ask him that.

And my birthday last month...nothing! He did wish me....but that was all. My own fantasy all this while...he would come home with a bouquet of flowers at least on the day. I dont mind not getting any presents but a bouquet of flowers is al ready a thoughtful gift. And it isn't that expensive...in Germany, the cheapest bouquest costs only 7Euro! And I never get a bouquet of flowers from him...not even while we were dating....

As for his birthdays, starting from the first year we dated, I never failed to give him a present and a card. Even after we are married, days before his birthday, I would have his present bought and nicely wrapped and then the morning of his birthday, I would put the present in his car before I left to work. Only this year since I'm no longer working and depend on him financially and he gives just enough to buy necessary things, I didn't buy him anything. I had thought of saving money to buy him at least a cheap perfume but there was not enough to save. Besides, since he didn't give me anything on my birthday which was only a week before his, so why would I bother?

So currently we have been on this cold war for about 3 days now. I think it was started because I asked him to help me post a package to a friend (an important delivery that I had promised her) since a week ago and he said wait until he has free time to go to post office. Not that he was really busy, in my opinion he can always drop by at the post office on his way to university but he is the type of person who would do things on the last minute basis. He just refuse to make a little time to get to post office...he doesnt have to go to uni very early and if he wanted to do it, he just have to go out a few minutes earlier before the train comes. I was still ok with that...then on Friday, he was free from school, I asked again but he was delaying things, and we were going out that day. So he said he would do it first thing in the next morning. I told him I had the feeling that it would never happen and he insisted that he would do it. The next morning he woke up late despite my effort tried to wake him up early. And once woke up, he lingered around and by then it was noon and post office was already closed! I knew! I knew this gonna happen! It happens all the time! He just doesnt take me seriously....he thinks making me in this waiting game is fun! He thinks it's ok if he breaks his promise!

First Chapter

I already have a blog, which is quite sometimes by now. In fact I'm managing 3 blogs actually. But the reason I'm creating this new one is because the blogs I have now is just too public. My husband, my family, friends have been reading it all the time and I'm not very sure who else been reading them silently. And due to that, I can't really tell how I feel especially those sensitive issues in regards to my marriage, my family, people around me for I'm afraid I would hurt somebody, or make things worse.

Therefore, with this new blog, I intend to keep myself an anonymous, but would not make it a private blog for I hope I would get some responses to my writings...or advices I would like to seek.

If you happen to read this blog, feel free to comment. Whether it's a negative or positive feedbacks, I'm determined to accept. Or maybe if I'm such a coward, one day I would put a screening for the comments to be published.

So here we go....