.....

It´s been more than a week since my last post.

Things are now peaceful. The cold war had ended. The day of his birthday, I said to him I couldn´t do this anymore so I said I was sorry for my attitude (despite I believe that he also should say sorry for things he said) and I want us to work out together a happy marriage.

And we good.

That´s the thing...I can make things ok when I choose to retreat. It would never been better if I could to keep sulking and angry. I choose to compromise because I value our marriage eventhough sometimes deep down inside I feel so tired trying to amend things between us.

We are not like those loving married couples...it´s the fact I have to accept. I´ve been trying to deny that we´re not a loving couple before but it´s time I face the fact. He doesn´t love me. I keep telling myself, I could face this...I could live in a loveless marriage for the sake of the twins.

I am trying to be someone grateful. Grateful eventhough my husband doesn´t buy me anything for my birthday, I have some friends sharing their money buying me a beautiful ring. But I couldn´t say my husband doesn´t buy me anything. He paid for some things I want sometimes, but the hardest part and sometimes I wish I hadn´t want it, that he likes to condemn me about how i take care of the things he has paid for.

For example, several months ago, I had a sister-in-law doing her phd in the States. So she offered to buy for me designer handbag - Coach & Guess since it was much cheaper to buy from there. I was hesitated about it, I was not sure whether my husband was willing to pay for it. Then my sister-in-law coaxed him into buying me those handbags. He agreed and total price for 2 handbags was 210USD. I know it´s expensive and I know how he´s very calculative about spending money on luxuries. I wonder whether he´s agreed to it because he wants to ´jaga air muka´. So now the bags are with me, even if I hang the bag on the stroller, he´d make noise which is irrating to me and hurt my feelings.

I´m trying to think positive. Maybe he considered the bags are the birthday present for me although he doesn´t say anything.

My watch - the one and only I have, a present for our wedding 6 years ago is already kaput. And I don´t have handphone. So if I go out, I will have to depend on people´s watch/clock. He knew it, and yet he doesn´t say anything.

Boy....i´m tired. I am emotionally drained.

Dear husband, what do think of our marriage?