Guilty of buying books!

I had another row AGAIN with the man of the house.

Don't know whether you people would think it as foolish or what for me to feel this way. But I'm feeling so sad, i've been crying silently since yesterday evening up to now. What he said is seriously hurting (owh, what he said DOESN'T?)

It was started when I was cleaning the kids' room yesterday. And he was there sitting, viewing me doing it. We were talking nicely at first. We have this project to put the wall paper in the room because the previous wall paper had damaged due to fungus during last winter.

Then he mentioned about the books I bought for the kids. His sentences "Beli buku mcm2, gunanya tak, sepah sana sini, bazir duit aje" (You buy a lot of books, but you don't use it. They are scattered everywhere. What a waste of money).

And I replied "Kadang2 mmg la bersepah sbb budak2 guna tp sy kemas all the time. Siapa kata x guna buku2 ni. Sy ajar budak2 membaca" (Sometimes of course they scatter around because the kids use it.Who says we don't use these books. I use them, I teach them to read)

And he mentioned that there was this one book I bought last year from online service, that was meant to be used for teaching kids to read and he said he saw me using it once or twice and it went forgotten. That also he said a waste of money. Ok, I have to admit that I used that book very seldom. I bought it because the book was recommended by homeschooling websites I checked. I am ambitious to teach my kids, therefore any materials I thought would help, I would try it out. So I bought the book and used it and somehow felt that it's boring. And how would I know the material would be practical or not if I don't try it?

For god's sake, the book was 18 Euro. It is a lot when you spend in attempt to provide education for your kids?

I said to him, as far as I could remember he hardly buys anything for the kids. Toys, books, clothes, it was me who bought it most of the time. I used to work, I had my own money so he didn't say much about it. And now because I have to use his money to buy all these, he makes noise of it! And he said it's good he doesn't buy anything because at least he doesn't waste money...

I went speechless...i really don't expect my efforts for my kids would be questioned this way? I don't mind any more what I do is not being appreciated. It's something I took note since we got married. But when you question and you condemn something like this, you really make damage to my heart.

And do you know...

When damage is done, you might attempt to fix it up, it may be repairable, but it might not be the same any more....

I don't have hope, I don't have dreams any more in this marriage.

QUE SERA SERA...what would be, would be....