Happy Birthday Darling...

It´s been a week since our last row. A week of silence...a week we hardly talking to each other and even looking at each other.

6 days ago, 2 days after the row, was my birthday. I spent my birthday feeling miserable and broken hearted. I spent my birthday walking in the jungle with my kids, trying to escape the hurt I was feeling, the husband I can´t afford to look at because I was very angry - only found ourselves getting lost in there!

It was definitely the worst birthday ever !

He did wish me through FB message, he did say sorry but didn´t elaborate about it and I felt he didn´t take it seriously, so I just ignored him. At that moment, ´sorry´did not mean anything to me. After that, he didn´t take any effort anymore. Until today, he does what I do - talking when necessary, ignoring each other completely. We like two strangers living under one roof!

And today it´s his birthday. His birthday, which is only 6 days later than mine...and I feel bad. I feel bad that we are in this situation when it´s time of celebrating. Our spouse suppose to be someone special to us especially on her/his birthday. I don´t know how he feels if I don´t do anything on his birthday. I always did something, at least I celebrated his birthday with a card and some present.

I don´t want him to feel lonely on his birthday. I know the feeling, I feel not loved. But it´s not necessary for me to do the same. I don´t have a heart to do that. I already sent him a birthday wish message thru FB message and I´m thinking tomorrow I´ll buy something as a present and cook something special.

Yes, I´m still hurt inside. But I don´t want to live in a cold-loveless marriage. Never mind I said I don´t care before, never mind I said I can live without love. It´s bullshit!. I do care...I can accept the fact that I´m not loved but I couldn´t be someone who wouldn´t love. I know I´m not that cold person.

When you love, you love unconditionally, you don´t expect any returns, you don´t expect anything...

Is it?

I´m asking myself...and for the moment I really I hope I could love without conditions

And for this, HAPPY BIRTHDAY darling husband.....I wish all the best for you....I wish I can be a better me...